I just want to get better

I hate feeling like this. I feel trapped in my own emotions. I want to work out, drive, go places, do things, and just be like a normal person. I feel like I have been dealing with this my entire life I just didn't know it. Most days I don't want to get out of bed. I feel so negative about everything, all the time. I'm not lazy, I hate when people call me lazy or tell me I just need to get out and do things. I want to. So so badly. But its just not that easy. I'm lonely, i'm depressed, and i'm just sad. On a daily basis. My heart literally hurts. Its so hard to explain and even more difficult for people to understand. I try really hard to not look in on my self and my feelings. I try really hard to stay out of my head because I don't like the little parts I see. I feel like at some point I was proud of myself. I was happy. But now, no matter how many people tell me they love me or they are here for me, I just don't feel it. Its like that cliche of being alone in a crowded room. Its true. I just want it to be different.

Just the beginning...

Today marks the beginning of a journey. Today I will begin to journal my thoughts, ideas, and struggles. To those of you who are reading this, thank you for caring. Most days I have a hard time believing anyone in this world does. I hope this will end up changing my outlook on the world. But even if it doesn't, maybe it will change my outlook on myself. Thank you for joining me on my journey of learning to see myself as beautiful and fearless.